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Dec. 20th, 2007 @ 11:41 pm
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It's selfish to think that you're the only one who's busy. Everybody is busy. It's weird hating someone who reminded you so much of who you were before. This is when the realization dawns on you that wow, I was a big douche back then. I only had time to tell people my own problems and when someone else had their problems and wanted to talk to me about it, I would run far far away. It's weird that I thought that I was a good listener when I'm not. In this life, I want to live my life with meaning, and by meaning I mean build strong relationships with other people, other human beings who I truly care about. School isn't everything at the end of the day because people are. That's the most important lesson I've learned and come to realize this year.
Also, in terms of dealing with criticisms. I used to always think that I was always right. Take for example when my parents advised me not to take on too much activities in school last year I would be pissed off and then ignore their comments and just pretended to sleep. Today however, when they said the same thing, the anger lasted for a few seconds, whereupon I put on my headphones and turned up my music so loud that I can't hear them. But this time it was different. I put on my headphones at first but then I realized that it was such an immature thing to do. You can't deal with conflict by avoiding it. You've got to face it and deal with it. So I took off my headphones and the conflict/ arguing turned out to be a constructive discussion session.
On another note, I've learned that if you are angry/ annoyed/ bothered by something someone said or did you should definitely let them know. And by this I don't mean it in a "FUCK OFF I HATE YOU BITCH" kind of angry way, but in the sense where it's like "Can you stop doing/ saying that. It bothers me." Why is this a better way you might ask, because
1) They actually might never know that you were angry at them
2) Precious friendships/relationships might be lost because of this little thing that you didn't clear up
3) Being passive aggressive, or bottling things up is destructive. Trust me, I've been there done that. NOT pretty.
On yet ANOTHER note, I've learned with people who shoot you down all the time is to expect less from them and not to put hopes into them because when they do that again to you, you'll get hurt again. Sometimes, you have to build walls to protect yourself.
On the last note, yes, last one I promise, regret is the worst feeling to have. So make sure you will be able to accept the consequences that come with the decisions you make for yourself. One thing that struck me the most today was my mom's words, "You can pray all you want but your future is in your own hands. Only you can shape your future."
On a lighter note, I'm semi-excited about going downtown Toronto to watch a classical pianist from Shanghai perform for free with my dad! I haven't spent any quality time with my dad in a long long long long long time. I think it would be really fun! I imagine this excursion to be one of those where we get to eat tons of good food in dt Toronto and also getting lost. Well maybe not so excited about the getting lost part.
I also realized that this is one of the only coherent piece of writing I've ever written in terms of non-poetic form. |
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Dec. 20th, 2007 @ 01:46 am
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You don't have a right to judge me
You don't know me
So that's that.
Fuck off. |
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Dec. 15th, 2007 @ 12:25 am
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So this is the new me but this time around I'm going to write out, not a poem, but a journal entry. I feel like I should censor most of the things I'm going to say, but I'm not because I feel so empty inside lately. Like I'm hopeful for some unattainable goal. I feel like I've lost focus in school and what I want to do. I don't know what happened to the me before all of this.
I used to have this strong drive but lately I've been asking myself am I just hoping for too much? And if I'm not going to med school why am I here? I know exactly what I want but I don't know what I will do if I don't get what I want. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and wring the 1st year Bella's neck and yell in her face, "Think about your priorities bastard!" I look around to find everyone else is doing so well.
The downhill ride started off when I was on-call and I got major calls- spinals, stroke. On the way home this guy on the bus fell and rammed his head onto the pole on the way down. He couldn't stand back up properly but refused treatment on the public bus. Then back home my sister fell down the stairs head-first. Then a day later I found out that my roommate got a spinal injury scare. Then just last week I found out that my friend attempted suicide. And that this friend nearly died and I didn't react in the best possible way and that made me so guilty. On top of this, yesterday I was feeling pretty crap when I found out that I failed one of my exams and that I might have to take summer school and lose my summer job that I worked so hard to get. And today I just found out that our team medical director passed away. It's just that it hits home when it becomes personal. And it's these moments when you feel like there's just too much happening at the same time and you just need room to breathe and take it all in. The reality of it all.
I think it's these moments that you realize who your true friends are. You realize that there are some people who don't have the heart to even listen to you for even 5 minutes. Everyone's busy with exams and studying and getting the best mark to get into medical school. But at the end of the day, will it matter if their life is in danger or if something awful happens to them? Will school and marks still matter anymore?
All these things made me realize which moments of life I live for. And that marks aren't everything. That some moments you share with your friends are the most amazing things you'll ever experience, like when you're cramming for an exam you're really screwed for. Or when you have those 2 hour long conversations contemplating on life.
But really at the end of the day, no matter how many failures you take in I just have to remember Nelson Mandela's quote, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." and it keeps me going. And fuck, have I been falling for a while now. |
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May. 13th, 2007 @ 03:49 pm
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I'm really bored so I'm going to list famous people/ bands who are lesbians/bisexual
- ellen degeneres
- rosie o donnell
- ditty bops (cute couple!)
- tegan and sara
- patrice pike (bi)
- melissa etheridge
- makena (cute couple!)
- kd lang
- leisha hailey
- melissa ferrick
- daniela sea
ok now im officially moreb ored... |
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May. 13th, 2007 @ 12:51 am
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so many things made my day today: mainly because
- the phone guy just showed up at my door at 1pm and was like, "hey your phone is fixed".. cool!
- i watched the show : search for the next doll (omygosh the girls are amazingly hawwwwt especially when they're singing to the song HOT STUFF)
- i met up with emily for a bonfire with sam + steph (such fun + cool people hehe) and i learned how to make a bonfire and also found a place to drink and party hahahaha. (in the middle of the forest/park)
- also the park had such a nice river and we got to see part of the sunset :) such a nice place to have a date!
- went to drink bubble tea with emily - we talked about the most random things and still had so much fun :D (honeydew + lichi jelly and moi: taro milk shake with green apple jelly) - drove her home
- came back and drove to sam's house to smoke up some shisha (first time too)- sooo good and almost like weed
- came back and made more plans for the week (going out to meet up with GAGAN on monday and walking around square one till 9pm - dinner - and also with anjana!)
- might be going to phen's surprise party for paulynne |
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| Your Passion is Orange | 
Your sex life is driven by your wild fantasies.
For you, sex is a dramatic performance where you are the star.
And you love putting on a wild act for your lover, trying to top last night's show.
Whether you enjoy the actual sex is irrelevant... it's all about putting on a good act! |
| You're An Angry Drunk | 
Ever wake up with sore knuckles and a black eye? Thought so. |
| You Should Drive a DeLorean | 
You don't take yourself too seriously, and you prefer a fun, unusual car... like this Back to the Future gem! |
Dec. 6th, 2006 @ 06:16 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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| Your Learning Style: Unconventional and Insightful | 
You are very intuitive and ingenious. You're attracted to any field of study that lets you break the rules.
You Should Study:
Art
Art history
Architecture
Comparative religions
Eastern religion
Education
Music
Philosophy |
Dec. 6th, 2006 @ 05:58 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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| You Are a Auditory Learner | 
You tend to remember what you hear, and you have a knack for speaking well.
You excel at debating, foreign languages, and music.
You would be an excellent diplomat - or rock star! |
Dec. 6th, 2006 @ 05:56 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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| You Have A Type A- Personality |
You are one of the most balanced people around
Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want
You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you.
When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back
Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love!
You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds |
Dec. 6th, 2006 @ 05:54 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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| Your Personality Cluster is Extraverted Sensing | 
You are:
A true admirer of beauty and art
Someone who seeks out variety and adventure
Not interested in status or material wealth
Able to act wisely without stopping to think |
Dec. 6th, 2006 @ 05:52 pm
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littlebel's journal